The Zenzoid Files

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read…

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life, stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll live longer and be a lot happier!

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Trip Report: Mt. Washington via the Ammonusuc-Jewell Loop

Date Hiked: 4-24-2007

Conditions: Full-on snow from the trailhead to well above treeline. From there, a mix, in and out of snowshoes, stabilicers, and barebooting.

Special Required Equipment: Snoweshoes mandatory! Other equipment: extra insulating layers, stabilicers, better yet, 10-point crampons, extra gloves, extra boxer shorts. Plan on getting wet if you do this hike. Stream crossings are treacherous.

Comments: As I was starting out, I met a couple of skiiers coming back down the Ammonusuc Trail. They warned me about a wicked stream crossing up ahead. The guy said he honestly didn’t think I could do it, would take a Rambo kinda guy to cross. That was nothing. The real Hell was further ahead…

Let’s see, I fell in an ice stream up near the hut and froze my gonads off, crossed glaciers w/o an ice axe that had me peeing in my pants and praying to Jesus, and then got lost coming down the Jewell trail because, well, there ain’t no trail! No tracks to follow, nuttin’, Honey. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to shoot a compass bearing to the Cog parking lot while above treeline. Then bushwacked for over an hour trying to find the trail. Just as I was about to give up and make camp for the night, I found the trail and jetted back down to the trailhead. YES! There IS and God He DOES hear prayers!

I coulda gone all winter without this hike and I should NOT have done this one. I was almost one of those people you read about in the trail mishaps section of Appalachia.

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If you are a Lutheran, your religion was founded by Martin Luther, an ex-monk of the Catholic Church, in the year 1517.

If you belong to the Church of England, your religion was founded by King Henry VIII in the year 1534 because the Pope would not grant him a divorce with the right to re-marry.

If you are a Presbyterian, your religion was founded by John Knox in Scotland in the year 1560.

If you are a Congregationalist, your religion was originated by Robert Brown in Holland in 1582.

If you are Protestant Episcopalian, your religion was an offshoot of the Church of England, founded by Samuel Senbury in the American colonies in the 17th century.

If you are a Baptist, you owe the tenets of your religion to John Smyth, who launched it in Amsterdam in 1606.

If you are of the Dutch Reformed Church, you recognize Mic helis Jones as founder because he originated your religion in New York in 1628.

If you are a Methodist, your religion was founded by John and Charles Wesley in England in 1774.

If you are a Mormon (Latter Day Saints), Joseph Smith started your religion in Palmyra, New York, in 1829.

If you worship with the Salvation Army, your sect began with William Booth in London in 1865.

If you are Christian Scientist, you look to 1879 as the year in which your religion was born and to Mary Baker Eddy as its founder.

If you belong to one of the religious organizations known as “Church of the Nazarene, Pentecostal Gospel,” “Holiness Church,” or “Jehovah’s Witnesses,” your religion is one of the hundreds of new sects founded by men within the past hundred years.

If you are Roman Catholic, your church shared the same rich apostolic and doctrinal heritage as the Orthodox Church for the first thousand years of its history, since during the first millennium they were one and the same Church. Lamentably, in 1054, the Pope of Rome broke away from the other four Apostolic Patriarchates (which include Constantinople, Alexandria, Antioch and Jerusalem), by tampering with the Original Creed of the Church, and considering himself to be infallible. Thus your church is 1,000 years old.

If you are Orthodox Christian, your religion was founded in the year 33 by Jesus Christ, the Son of God. It has not changed since that time. Our church is now 2,000 years old. And it is for this reason, that Orthodoxy, the Church of the Apostles and the Fathers is considered the true “one Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church.”

This is the greatest legacy that we can pass on to the young people of the new millennium.

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